A Hairy Situation

It happened suddenly and without warning. One day my eyebrows were perfect; the next day, the left one went rogue; a single eyebrow hair began growing straight down—straight down and so long that it was catching on my eyelash. I have brushed it, trimmed it, plucked it, moussed it, gel’d it, curled it, and even went at it with a blow dryer, but it always comes back. I’ve come to terms with this as one of the ‘joys in the adventures of aging.’

A couple of weeks later, I noticed a single long hair growing off my left earlobe. Just one, and it was about 6cm long. At first, I thought it was just an errant hair from my head that got stuck there, but nope, it was attached. I plucked it, and for weeks afterward, I kept an eye on it to see if it was growing back—nothing. Months passed nothing. Then one day, BAM! 6cm long single ear hair. No warning, no strange feeling, no trembling precursor, just like that it was back. I plucked it again and started taking meticulous notes:

Day 1: No ear hair Day 2: No ear hair … Day 103: Still no ear hair … Day 217: No ear hair Day 218: Where the hell did that come froml?!?! *yoink!*

There is no rhyme or reason to it, which means I can’t plan for it; I have to wait for it to happen and be ready, ever vigilant. It’s become a nervous tick now, reaching up and feeling for the single rogue hair.

While we’re on the subject of body hair.

A while back, a company called Manscaped™ reached out and wanted to sponsor my podcast ‘The RebelRebel.’ They sell personal grooming devices for men and said I could have some of their stuff if I mentioned it on the show for a month. I took the deal, and a week or so later, I received a package with a sweet electric shaver guaranteed not to circumcise or neuter you if you ever wanted to ‘mow your lawn’. It’s called THE LAWNMOWER 4.0, and it has a headlight. The jokes write themselves.

It’s been a long time since I worried about ‘manscaping’; when you get to a certain age, it just becomes more hassle than it’s worth. But, hey! I’ve got this new thing, so why not give it a try? You don’t want or need the details, except to ponder this as I did: Where do you stop? When I was younger, I had very distinct ‘Fur Zones.’ What I’ve noticed now that I’m older and armed with THE LAWNMOWER 4.0 is that I’m just covered in fur; it’s one big zone.

I ‘mowed the lawn’ and now have one nicely groomed section of my body surrounded by jungle; it’s off-putting and weird, so I ‘mow’ a little more, and a little more, and now I’ve mowed my thighs. I look like a yeti wearing leg warmers. In an attempt to even things out, I ‘mow’ a little higher—my ‘treasure trail’ has become a treasure island in my advanced years, so that has to go. Before you know it, I’ve mowed most of my belly, leaving behind what can best be described as a fur brassiere just as the battery runs out. Just as well, I should stop this nonsense before it goes too far.

Shit. My ear hair is back.

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COMMENTS FROM ASTUTE READERS

“Loved your post this morning; reading it gave me one hell of an ab workout!” — Barrie

“I can see your ear hair from here. It’s glowing in a sunbeam.” — Jenn